I Have a Secret

I have a secret.

I am vain about my hair.

Most people don’t know that about me.  It’s always tied up in a bun.  But it’s very beautiful, if I’m honest.  It’s long (usually) and curly and blonde.  Many people I have known for years haven’t even seen it!

That is secretly the reason I always wear visors at work instead of hats.  That way my hair will bleach, and I’ll have nice highlights.  But I would never spend money on such things as dye or treatment.

About every 18-20 months, I cut of 12 or so inches of my hair and send it to Florida for Locks of Love.  (They make wigs for kids with cancer and stuff.  Super cool.)  I had planned to cut it off in January, but my sister got engaged.  She said she wanted my hair long in her wedding, so I waited until after the wedding to cut it off.  Just a week ago, I cut off 15 inches!  That’s as long as I’ve ever cut off at once.

A friend of mine cuts my hair.  We usually trade.  I watch her kids, and she cuts my hair.  It works out well, and she does a great job.

While she was cutting it this time, she was having a hard time getting it even on both sides.  After looking around, she figured out why.

My hair is falling out.

On the left side of my head, there are two bald spots about the size of nickels or quarters.

When she showed me, my heart sunk.

I have thin hair anyway, and I know that losing hair/balding/thinning is common with lupus.  I’m not surprised it’s happening.  But I guess part of me was just hoping it wouldn’t.  Or at least not now.  When I’m old, it’s fine.

Now I join the ranks of thousands of women with lupus who, along with a myriad of other problems, are losing their hair.  And losing it in patches, nonetheless.

My secret isn’t so much that my hair is falling out as that I care so much that it’s falling out.  But now you know both facts.

I guess that’s all I have to say on the subject.  I was really disappointed about the whole thing.  But it’s just hair, right? 

Loss of Brain Cells

I’ve been feeling pretty well for a while. Weeks, actually. I’ve been feeling like a real, live person. I’m not exactly sure why, but that’s for a different day.

But lately, the last few days, I haven’t been feeling so well. I took two 5-hour naps this week. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have time to “nap” for half the day. The pain is back. I can’t fall asleep (ironic, I know.) My eyes are having trouble.

But the worst part, at least today, is the loss of brain function. Last night, I was working on something that I have done hundreds of times, and I ruined it. It is sort of like writing a 25-page term paper and deleting it all with no backup. Or rebuilding an engine, getting it all finished, and realizing you don’t have the right parts or did it wrong, and you can’t start the car. It was rough.

We recovered as best as we could. This morning, I was feeling pretty confident that it was all taken care of. Then, during a live “show,” about 15 things went wrong. Some of which was my fault and problems from last night. Some of it was actually problems with the technology I was using. It was so weird. I could not for the life of me figure out how to troubleshoot and fix it. Again, I’ve done it zillions of time, and I know how to do it. Not today.

Sometimes the worst part of having Louie around is when he takes away my brain cells. I need those. I’m old enough now that I’m not growing new synapses.

One of my good friends has Lyme disease. It’s literally attacking her brain. For Christmas, I found her some stuffed/plush brain cells. (I thought it was hilarious.) I guess I need some too.

(It proves I've lost some brain cells. Just the fact that I started two paragraphs with the word "but." Don't tell my English teachers.)