Dependent

Yesterday I realized I am completely dependent on drugs. Prescription ones, and not in the usual sense.

I take a medication to keep me awake. It’s a stimulant that affects my central nervous system, or something like that, to keep me from falling asleep. It is generally only for people with narcolepsy or severe sleep disorders. Last week, as normal, I refilled my prescriptions online so I could pick them up and fill my pill box. This particular one didn’t get filled because it needed to be approved by my doctor.

I had Saturday off, as in, I was in my jammies all day, and most of Sunday too, so I wasn’t that tired. But on Monday at work, I was really tired. I honestly thought I might fall asleep in the orchard, right around two in the afternoon.

That’s when it hit me.

I am dependent. I require drugs to live my life. Not to live on a rollercoaster of highs and lows and narcotics to numb the pain. My body doesn’t go through withdrawals (although some say this drug can be addictive) and I don’t feel this overwhelming urge to take them. No, I take drugs so I can live. So I can stay awake all day, or at least for more than seven consecutive hours. So I can have a “regular” job, or as regular as I ever will.

So here I am, dependent on chemicals for better living. But also dependent on Christ for everything else- especially on the days I don’t want to have to be on drugs.

Out of Words

I read this blog. The woman who writes it has had lupus for over a decade and is pregnant with her second child. I love her perspective on things because, unlike many other lupus blogs, it’s real. Some people write about all their “cures” and others just whine the whole time. She sees things how they are- yes, she’s on lots of meds and is honest about the fact that there’s no cure right now, yet hopeful that there might be someday.

Anyway, she wrote this one a few days ago. I feel like it so often! At the end of my work day, when I walk in the door, I am out of words. Few emails get returned, almost no phone calls get made. The amount of energy it takes me (even when not in a flare) to do my job, answer questions, and do silly things like go to the bank or post office is amazing. At the end of the day, I’m out of words and I just want to turn off.

This is one of those priority things. I have to decide what’s most important to spend my energy on. Right now, I need it for my job. In six weeks, I won’t have a job anymore, so hopefully I can make different decisions. My boss is pretty understanding, but we’re at a point in time that I need to work as much as I can and not take too many days off.

There are so many times I’m with people just trying to stay awake. Contributing isn’t even something I can think about beyond nodding occasionally. If I keep my eyes open and mostly upright in the char, I have succeeded. I can’t even count the times I spent an evening with friends and left thinking, “I have no idea what we talked about.” I hate it, but I don’t know what to do.

Between work and having family in town, I haven’t had a day to be “off” in weeks. I can feel it. I’m toast. This weekend, I’m making it a priority. No people (when I can help it,) no plans, no showering (if I can get away from it.)

Hopefully after a few days off I’ll replenish my word count.