Who's Crazy

I’m sure I’ve written about this before, but I love the new Broadway show Next to Normal. It’s about a woman who is bipolar and her struggles with life and disease. In one song, she and her husband are asking the question: Who’s crazy? At my last appointment with Dr. Superman, I asked that too.

After an hour of discussing sleep test results and talking about more and possibilities, we were wrapping up. I asked him a question that had been burning since my last test results came up negative. One can only take so much exhaustion without answers before she thinks she is off her rocker.

I looked him in the eyes and said, “Am I crazy?” Just like that.

He clarified. Was I asking if he thought it was all in my head? Yes. Absolutely. That’s exactly what I want to know.

My wonderful doctor assured me that I, in fact, am not crazy. He would tell me if he thought differently. I have a lot of concrete things showing up time and again in my blood work. These point to… something… to be named later. He strongly believes there is something wrong in addition to Louie, but it will take some time before we figure out what it is.

Normally I don’t mind going to see this particular doctor, but on my way there I got nervous for bad news. I called my dear sister who let me vent and nearly cry. For me, the worst news would be either “You’re making it up” or “We have no idea and are out of things to try.” That is what I was dreading.

I left that appointment with a list of “next steps” that we will try, a list of possibilities for Louie’s little brother (or sister) and, most importantly, a peace of mind that I’m not out of mine. Having someone believe you is one of the biggest gifts, even if they don’t fully understand it.